Xena Alternative Fan Fiction

by Trish Evans


This story was written without the knowledge or consent of MCA/Universal and is not intended to infringe on any copyrights.

This story is the work of the author and is protected by copyright. Please gain permission before copying and/or publishing any or all of this story.

All characters from the show X:WP and H:TLJ belong to MCA/Universal bla bla bla.

Culsu is mine.

Maeve is a Myth so I don't care if you use her but you can't abuse her because she doing that as we speak The Tir Na Nog reference is an insult to Fox because they turned a cool myth in to a stupid show.

The punctuation is horrible and yes I know. This is more of a farce then a story but I had fun writing it he he This may offend you so if you don't like bad humour, disgusting acts, violence ect delete this now. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh there are references and similarities to other show's like WWF and the old Batman because I've been watching really bad tv lately. Please give me new Xena eps soon I'm dying.

C stands for Culsu E stands for Ephany


C- Ladies and Gentleman, Centaurs and Amazons, Xenites of all ages, Tonight we have a spectacle never before seen. Team Warrior Bard vs Team Psycho Sovereign, in an all out, knock down bowl-o-rama here Live at the Corinthian Brunswick Lanes.

I'm Culsu, here with my lovely co-announcer Ephany. How's that arm Eph?

E- [wincing through gritted teeth] Fine

C- Oh and here we go. Team Warrior Bard is entering the alley.

E- This is a great team Culsie

C- You got that right Eph. We have Xena the Mighty Warrior Princess, The Royal Amazon Bard Gabrielle.

E- Along with Aphrodite [beg]

C- [slap]

E- er . . [rubs face]

C- Otrere, Yakut, Meg

E- and the big man himself, Hercules

C- what a Team folks, what uniforms

E- Black leather, [muttering; firking chick breaks my arm when I was only trying to help] big surprise. Hey C don't you know that Otrerechick.

C- No different person all together.

E- [covers mic] What does Gabby have in that paper bag?

C- [blank stare] Uh glue

E- Aphrodite seems comfortable with the new look

C- I knew she was kinky but I never thought any one could get her to

wear black

E- Check out Herk. He may be a hero but he's one Hades of an ugly drag queen.

Both- Ha Ha Ha

C- No but seriously folks this is a Kick @$$ team.

E- Yakut and Otrere came first and second in the All Amazon - Artemis Invitational.

C- Yeah but I heard they shot Eponin in the @$$ during the shot (arrow)for shot (tequila) novelty game to raise funds for the localtemple.

E- That's why she's been sleeping on her stomach.

C- [stare] Wait a minute, folks here comes trouble.

E- There they are. Team Psycho Sovereign

C- The Sovereign and Callisto what a terrible two some

E- What is Callisto the Goddess of anyway?

C- [shrug] There's Ares and that's Hope and Valaska but who is that woman behind her?

E- It must be a ringer. I think it's Maeve she must have been brought in at the last minute. This is one bad woman, she won the Tir Na Nog Championships 4 moons ago.

C- She is a looker but what the hell is that crap on her face?

E- Well I hope it's war paint because this is going to be a battle of the best!

E- I don't know about you people at home but those chain mail garbs are down it for me [wiggles in chair]

C- [g]

E- I don't know about those beer helmets that may be a little over the top.

C- The Goddess Callisto has what looks like Doctor Pepper in hers.

E- [blank stare]

C- WOW Hope is going over to Gabrielle and Xena. Can we get a mic on this. Get a mic on this.

Gab- Hope I thought . . .

Hope- Hello Mother [looks at Xena] Mother beeeeep

C- Leaping Leta all hell is breaking loose. Herk and Gab are trying to hold Xena back.

Xena- You killed my son, your dead!

E- She just tossed Herk over her shoulder, that's power. What in Hades is Maeve doing?

Maeve- WAIT, STOP THE BATTLE! [sits down on and empty beer bottle, begins gyrating]


Otrere & Yakut [beg]

Ares & Aphrodite [snicker]

Callisto- [fire gathers at her finger tips]

C- The fighting stopped and now Callisto is going to blast Maeve

Hope- Callisto

Callisto- [fire disappears] Girls gotta have some fun [shrugs]

C- It's time for the coin toss

Xena - Heads [grabs coin in midair tails shows everyone] Heads I win!

Callisto- It was tails my sweet.

E- Xena just pulled a hinds blood dagger

C- Ugh . . . It looks like Team Warrior Bard will be staring off.

E- Aphrodite is first up and that pink ball compliments that leather [much drooling]

C- [slap] Ooohh gutter ball and the Goddess of Love is none to happy about it.

E- Nah, she probably just woke up on the wrong side of Hephaestus again.

C & E- Ha ha ha ha

C- Second ball for the Goddess is . . . is one pin. ONE PIN

E- Team Psycho Sovereign are celebrating

C- Goddess almighty is that a funnel?

E- [blank stare]

C- Here's Ares, lets see what the War God can do.

Team Psycho Sovereign- STEEERRRIKE! [cheers]

Xena- [fingering the hinds blood dagger] Ok Otrere it's your turn.

Otrere- [downs the nasty red colored stuff then nods and collects her bowling ball]

C- Alrighty folks, this is Otrere, one of the best Amazon bowlers out there.

E- And her first ball

C- She got a strike folks a strike

E- Team Warrior Bard is going nuts

C- Otrere is doing a break dance. She must think she's Cuba Gooding Jr.

C & E- Ha ha bwaaahahhaa

C- The Sovereign's up

E- He's headed down the lane


C- OOOHHH gutter ball


E- Alright the second try

C- Spare and nicely done

Sovereign- Oh yeah suck on that baby YEAH!!!

E- These players are really keyed up Cul. This place is on FIRE!

Callisto- FIRE, MOMMY, XENA CIIIIRRRAAAA!!!![disappears]

C- Shh, She's temperMENTAL [slap] What the [slap]

Valaska- You can't hide from a GOOOODDD BWAAHHAHA!

C- [rubbing back of head] Here's Herks first ball.


Sovereign- I really hate that guy.

C- It's Maeve's turn now lets watch her in action

E- [snicker]

C- [blank stare]


C- Holy Hopping Hellene's's, she broke a pin.

Callisto- [rematerializes jumping up and down on the bench]

C- Callisto shouldn't celebrate so soon Yakut is up.

E- STRIKE! This is an amazing competition

C- No kidding and Eph we're just getting started.

E- Oh yeah and here Valaska, boy she got a tan [snicker]

Team Warrior Bard [chanting] Baked Valaska, Baked Val . . .

E- [stands up] Baked Valaska

Valaska [turns to Ephany]

E- [hides her thumbs and sits down]


Gabrielle- [gets up for her turn]

Xena- Let's go Gabrielle, you'll get a surprise if you get a strike

Gabrielle [licks her lips]

E- Come on Gabrielle, you can do it

C- Eph your an announcer not a spectator, act like it.

E- What are Callisto and Hope doing. Those look like custom balls what's written on them. Get the shot!

Callisto's Widow Maker

C- Pan to the right already.

Hope's Baby Killer

E- Xena and Gabrielle just flipped out.

C- It's an all out brawl. Screw bowling this is more like RAW IS WAR!

E- Cause Stone Cold Said So!

C- [blank stare]

E- Maeve's eyes are glowing

C- Yakut has a big chunk of mozzarella. She just through it at Maeve.

Maeve- I'm melting. I'm melting


Maeve- Who would have thought a little Ewokazon like you could have killed me. I'll get you and your little antlers too! Aaaargggghhhh

C- I think she's dead. Flying Pharaohs their fighting again.

Colour Bars

The End

Return toWriting Symposium