Xena/Eve Parody


A dark form is seen sneaking out of camp and the warrior is instantly alert.

Stifling the groans that accompany her moves now, the Warrior Princess makes

a mental note to pick up some more horse liniment.

She watches as her horse is saddled and some provisions are packed away.

Quietly sneaking up behind the figure, she taps one shoulder and then grins

evilly as Eve jumps.

E: Ack!

Xena arches an eyebrow at her daughter, trying her best force #2

intimidation glare.

X: so, what have you gotta say for yourself?

E: something in your eye or are you just trying that glare thing again? I

didn't mean to wake you..I thought I was being very quiet. I'm not a baby

anymore, ya know.

X: <sighing dramatically> I know that. You were very good, I must admit,

but...I'm waiting. <trying to look fierce..teeth clenched, eyes now


E: Oh, and like, you look so scary, Mom...tell me the truth: did anyone

ever fall for that bs or just MommyG?

X: <running tongue along inside of cheek> Oh, you are SO grounded, young


E: <eyes rolling> and like you never snuck out with Granny's horse before?

X: That's not the point and you know it.

E: What's the point? That I snarfed some of MommyG's private stock of


X: Well...yes. You know how your mother gets when her stash is fricked

with...I'm the one that gets to deal with that, not you..no, never you.

You, the perfect daughter who does nothing wrong....while I, the mean old ex

warlord...shit. She just never lets me forget that, ya know?

<wanders over to a stump and grabs a seat, her warrior facade falling away>

E: Aw, Mom...

X: I try, ya know? I mean, I really do..but she's so demanding...I swear,

why I'm not worn down to a nub...

E: Ah, Mom? Can we not go there?

X: ...not to mention the fact that she automatically blames me for

everything. I mean, why would I hide her scrolls? Sure, I used one or two,

once...in an emergency...but sheesh...does that have to follow me


E: Jeez, Mom...<retrieves a small packet from the saddle bags. Argo shakes

her head morosely...'oh, how the mighty have fallen'

X: ...and, and is it my fault I was so popular with the ladies?

Jeez...everytime we go into an inn...you'd think she'd be used to it by


E: <Eve sits beside her mother and begins to toke up> <deeeeeep breath>

(gasping) You...should ....relax more...ya know? Here.

X: <absent mindedly takes the roach> I dunno, Eve...it's like she's trying

to change me now...like...maybe she was never happy with me in the first

place, just putting up with my evil ways til she could reform me into ...I

dunno...something I'm not.

E: <motions her mother to take the weed> C'mon, Mom...you know you need


X: Ah, you know I don't like to do that stuff...it's your mother's hang up,

not mine. Now, port...that's my substance of choice...heheh

E: <tokes up again, dreamy smile on her face>

X: <bites her lip>

E: <exhales mightily> Oh, yeah

X: That good, huh?

E: <nods enthusiastically> You....bet.

X: Oh...<looks around> all right...but just a puff

E: You DO have to inhale, Mom...c'mere...let me show you

X: <is forced to suck wind as Eve holds her nose> Ack!

E: Hold it....hold it! Now...slowly...let it out...just real slow, Mom

X: <blinking slowly> Whoa

E: heh...yeah, mellows you right out, babe

X: I'll have you know...I'm your mother...and should be treated with...

E: Want another?

X: ya. What was I saying?

E: MommyG is sexually demanding, she doesn't understand you, trying to

change you...

X: Oh ya! Right! Well, she does...is...so demanding. Even in my days as

a fierce warlord...well, I met my share of the wild chicks, ya know?

heh...but she...well, your Mom...is...so...imaginative...so...

E: Ah, mom? Another need to know basis...I really don't need to know, you


X: What happened to the sweet little woman I bonded with? Where's that

little blonde bombshell of a wide eyed bard that followed me all over


E: <finishing off the last of the roach> Hey, people change...

X: It got so I didn't know her anymore. She changed<sniff>, and so did

you...what happened to that little sweet baby girl I used to tote around on

my hip? You were so sweet, Eve...such a joy....now all ya wanna do is sneak

out at night and smoke up...where did I go wrong? <pulling at her salt and

pepper coloured hair>

E: Aw, Mom....don't be like that...I had to grow up, ya know? It was

damned hard to do with you away so often...you and MommyG...why couldn't I

come with ya? <starting to sniffle> I always wanted to be just like you,

Mom...out prowling the countryside, doing good deeds...

X: getting into fights, barroom brawls...the good old days..<hugging her

daughter tightly> I love you, Eve! I'm sorry I was away so often...I didn't

wantcha to get hurt...the blood on my hands...shouldn't ever touch

you...<sniff> I was a terrible mother... Bwwaaaaa!

E: No, ya weren't...you tried...did your best...you left me with people you

trusted...really...I turned out ok...

X: <jumps up> Yeah! It was the people I left ya with that screwed up!

Joxer! It was HIS fault...

J and G walk into the campsite, all bleary eyed from sleep. Gabrielle has

let herself go the past few years but Joxer is the same old Joxer, though

bald as a cucumber

J: Say, did I hear my name?

G: <groan> Oh, Xena...what are you doing up so late? You know you need

your sleep these days

X: <mumble>

G: Come to bed this instant

X: Don't wanna

G: Oh? And where have you been all evening? Xena?

<Xena mutters some more, her hair falling into her eyes>

G: and why are you wearing those damned leathers again? You know how I

feel about them

X: My leathers...I'll wear em...if I wanna...

G: <sighing deeply> What am I gonna do with you? I try...I work my

fingers to the bone trying to change your image...make people forget your

horrible, bloodthirsty, killing ways...

J: <rubbing his eyes> Say, is that Eve? Whatcha doin outta bed, pumpkin?

E: Heh...hi, Unca Joxman...just..couldn't sleep is all. I'm a big girl now.

J: Well, you get yer little heinie into that bedroll, Evie girl...a growing

child like you needs lotsa sleep...besides, I signed us up for flagpole

sitting again. You know how much fun that is...

E: don't wanna

J: but I've signed us up, sweetie. And then there's the slow pitch...

E: Um...I thought we could never go back there after you killed that batter

J: Hey! Is it my fault I don't know my own strength? He shouda ducked

when I threw the ball.

E: Wasn't a ball, Jox...it was a rock

J: It...was? Oh. Oh well! No harm done...say, let's visit Auntie Meg.

She can tell ya some more stories of when she was...

G: I swear, if it's not one thing, Xena, it's another. Always getting into

trouble...what is it this time? Did you raise an army of cut-throats and

they've turned on you? Oh, I know...you miss playing with your friends and

wanna visit Rome again, right?

Xena looks at Eve.

X: See? She wants me to change but never lets me forget it.

E: He never changes and doesn't see I've grown up.

E: <cringes as Joxer advances on her, ready to pinch her cheeks again>


X: <cringes as Gabrielle advances on her, ready to take her by the ear>


Both women exchange glances...look over at Argo who is still saddled and

ready to go

E: <arches eyebrows up>

X: <big smile breaks out> Ya wanna?

E: Oh, do I!

X: Let's go!

E: Yippeee!

G: I'm getting a sick headache...where's my stash...XENA!

Pulling her daughter up behind her, the WP, older and a little worse for

wear, hits the road once more with her trusty new side kick

X: Heh...like old times. Oh, this is gonna be so much fun! But ya gotta do

what I say, though

E: Ya, ya...who made you boss?

X: Hey, that's how it's done, ok? I'm the fighter, you're the talker

E: That's not what MommyG used to do...

X: Mmmm...yeah, I think that's what the problem was...she got so good with

those sais

E: Sighs?

X: heh...well, those too...



Trish Shields

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